Wow. It's been November since I was last on my blog. Where has the time gone? How much water has gone under the bridge since then?
Time marches on. Life marches on. Life changes. Every day. One guarantee in life: it changes. If you don't believe that, you better move outa the way, or you'll get run over!
Life.
Well, my life has continued to change. Friendships have changed, expanded, moved around, dynamics have changed.
Those who've known me for years, know that I was once a member of a fun little friendship group, called The Polywogs. There were 5 of us in this group. We were very close. We knew about one another's lives in great detail. And because of the fact that we knew that our lives were ever-changing, that God wasn't done with His plan for us, the name Polywogs came into being.
Poly: being many.
Wog: Women of God.
As our own individual spiritual lives began to change, over time, one by one, we disbanded.
At first, I thought this was a bad thing. That it reflected that we were no longer friends, that we no longer loved one another, that we no longer cared about one another. From the outside, those who know us thought we'd "fallen out."
It was hard.
Situations and circumstances began to take place that caused me to begin to feel like I was on the outside looking in. There was no room for me any more. My life was no longer of interest to some of the group. My mouth would open, and I would be ran over by circumstances that drowned my voice out.
I no longer opened my mouth to share about me, unless asked.
Months passed. My heart felt bruised and hard.
But God was faithful, as He always is, and He gave me an independence, a freedom, if you will, to have the courage to break free. I began to break free, not only from the status of the group itself, but to break free in my heart! In my thoughts, my feelings, my pride. All those insecurities that weld up inside of me and attacked me so many times.
Am I still free?
Yes.
Is it still hard?
At times, yes.
It catches me by surprise at how little some of my former Polywog pals know about me these days. And how little I know about them. What's going on in their lives.
I look at them from a distance and see how entertwined their lives still are. They have a secret code, it seems, that on one can penetrate.
So I watch from a distance.
When one steps close, I let them come to me.
But I no longer ask them to come to me.
What have I learned by walking through this experience?
I've learned that I don't need to lean so hard on those around me to be ME. I am who I am, I am who God created ME to be.
I have learned how to be content with just me.
Me, myself, and my God.
I am not alone.
I've learned to reach out past myself, into lives of others who have no clue about the Polywogs. To be the hands and feet of Jesus in lives of others outside any circles.
And it's been a blessing to me!
I've heard God's voice many times, "Be still and know that I AM YOUR GOD."
I believe God has taken these changes in my life in these past several months, to change WHO I am. I've asked Him to do that very thing and He has and He is!
The memories of the wonderful times of the Polywogs will never fade from my memory. Those experiences played a huge part of who I am today.
But I'm not done changing, with the help and grace of my Lord. And now, each day holds a new enticement, a new excitement, to see what the Lord will bring this day!!!!!
