Passing of Time

Wow. It's been November since I was last on my blog. Where has the time gone? How much water has gone under the bridge since then?

Time marches on. Life marches on. Life changes. Every day. One guarantee in life: it changes. If you don't believe that, you better move outa the way, or you'll get run over!

Life.

Well, my life has continued to change. Friendships have changed, expanded, moved around, dynamics have changed.

Those who've known me for years, know that I was once a member of a fun little friendship group, called The Polywogs. There were 5 of us in this group. We were very close. We knew about one another's lives in great detail. And because of the fact that we knew that our lives were ever-changing, that God wasn't done with His plan for us, the name Polywogs came into being.

Poly: being many.
Wog: Women of God.

As our own individual spiritual lives began to change, over time, one by one, we disbanded.

At first, I thought this was a bad thing. That it reflected that we were no longer friends, that we no longer loved one another, that we no longer cared about one another. From the outside, those who know us thought we'd "fallen out."

It was hard.

Situations and circumstances began to take place that caused me to begin to feel like I was on the outside looking in. There was no room for me any more. My life was no longer of interest to some of the group. My mouth would open, and I would be ran over by circumstances that drowned my voice out.

I no longer opened my mouth to share about me, unless asked.

Months passed. My heart felt bruised and hard.

But God was faithful, as He always is, and He gave me an independence, a freedom, if you will, to have the courage to break free. I began to break free, not only from the status of the group itself, but to break free in my heart! In my thoughts, my feelings, my pride. All those insecurities that weld up inside of me and attacked me so many times.

Am I still free?

Yes.

Is it still hard?

At times, yes.

It catches me by surprise at how little some of my former Polywog pals know about me these days. And how little I know about them. What's going on in their lives.

I look at them from a distance and see how entertwined their lives still are. They have a secret code, it seems, that on one can penetrate.

So I watch from a distance.

When one steps close, I let them come to me.

But I no longer ask them to come to me.

What have I learned by walking through this experience?

I've learned that I don't need to lean so hard on those around me to be ME. I am who I am, I am who God created ME to be.

I have learned how to be content with just me.

Me, myself, and my God.

I am not alone.

I've learned to reach out past myself, into lives of others who have no clue about the Polywogs. To be the hands and feet of Jesus in lives of others outside any circles.

And it's been a blessing to me!

I've heard God's voice many times, "Be still and know that I AM YOUR GOD."

I believe God has taken these changes in my life in these past several months, to change WHO I am. I've asked Him to do that very thing and He has and He is!

The memories of the wonderful times of the Polywogs will never fade from my memory. Those experiences played a huge part of who I am today.

But I'm not done changing, with the help and grace of my Lord. And now, each day holds a new enticement, a new excitement, to see what the Lord will bring this day!!!!!

How on earth.....?

How does one figure this world out? It seems to me that by now, I should have the world figured out. That includes myself. Figuring myself out.

Not quite so.

I am amazed at how much I am still learning about ME.

And what have I found out thus far?

Well, that most of the time, I'm not real crazy about myself. I'm not who I want to be. I'm not there yet.

I know that I do too much of measuring myself up against others. I know that I need to love myself just for who I am, and realize that I am a marvelous Creation, created by My Creator, God my Heavenly Father.

There are days, there are times, there are minutes in life, when I am so sick of this world! All the games people play. The stupid stuff that we all do and say and how we treat each other.

This world makes me very tired.

I'm tired of lots of things.

Yet, on the other hand, I am inspired every day. I find joy and pleasure in small things.

And overall, I think that's good cuz if I'd never find joy in anything small, how would I appreciate it in big things?!

Right now, this season of the year, Fall, I find great joy in the amazing colors all around me. As our vanpool makes its daily drive 30 miles away, I look out over the masses of pasture land, seeing hundreds of cattle, heads down, looking for a tidbit here and there in that dry grass. Yet the song, "He Owns the Cattle on a Thousand Hills" comes to mind.

My Father owns those cattle. He owns all the birds of the air, the fish of the sea. And He owns me.

He paid the ultimate price for me.

Death of His Son, Jesus.

So, in these dark days of nothing-ness, a Light does shine in my darkness.

And that Light gives me hope, peace, joy, comfort, and the gumption to continue onward, following this path, going wherever it leads me.

I hope that you see the Light and follow it too. Maybe I'll meet you on the path!

Life can be EDGY....

I've noticed something odd and a little hard to understand over the past few years in regards to my personal relationships and me.

I've noticed that when I meet someone who "needs" me, "needs" my assistance a lot, that person becomes who I live for, in a way. That person becomes who my heart becomes entangled up with, who I live to do things for, to help out, to lend myself 110% to, who I KNOW God has called me to share life with!

As I spend tons of time with this person, I get to know them intimately, I begin to see them as God sees them: as His creation, as His handiwork. I take them for who they are: the good, the bad and the ugly.

And I'm fine with that.

Funny thing is: I do not do this for applause from others.

I feel such LOVE for this person that they become family to me.

They become my sister, brother, son, whatever the case may be.

I have had a person who fills this description in my life for just over a year now.

I first met this young man when God literally dropped him out of the sky into a chair at my desk while I was working at NWKTC. He needed assistance in getting plugged into a church/youthgroup here in town.

We became fast friends. Like mother, like son.

He became like a son to me. Truly. There was not one thing I would not have done for him that I'd not do for my own flesh and blood son.

Just a few short months ago, however, all of that began to change.

First of all, he began to grow up and yes, I have to admit, I had a hard time with that.

Thing is: he grew up faster than what I was prepared for.

I had to let him have more air and freedom in his life than what I was giving him.

Thing that I do not understand right now is this: what or who helped this process along to the stage it's in now?

I have my own assumptions. Probably not correct ones. Then again, knowing all the pieces to this puzzle, I may very well be correct.

However, until I know that for sure, I can't say that for a fact.

Yes, there is a girl involved. He's engaged now, making plans to be married.

I no longer see him; we no longer speak. We no longer write on one another's Facebook walls, nor do we text any longer. I see him in church; we do not speak.

It's as if we are complete strangers.

Was this meant to be for just a year?

How can this be? At different times in our friendship, I shared with him that I knew we'd be in one another's lives for "a long long time."

Maybe we will be, one day. Maybe this is just the "Pause" button in our friendship.

Thing is: some things have taken place that have been painful.

I've seen this young man change into someone I no longer know or recognize.

Things he has promised me have not come to pass.

This relationship he's in has changed him.

It's changed us.

I've shed tons of tears over how this has changed our friendship.

I've tried to reach out to the persons involved, but have had no replies whatsoever.

So where do I go from here?

Good question.

Life does go on, but it's different.

Any time a person who was so much a part of your life is no longer in your life, life is different. Adjustments must be made. Decisions must be made over certain things.

I have been shut out with no signs of being invited in again.

So for now, I will move forward on the terms that have been laid forth. I have weeded in my Facebook garden. I have removed these people who were once in my life and are no more. Who no longer care to be in my life, and who don't want me in theirs.

Can they be weeded from my heart?

Or sort of. But not completely.

I've put blinders up around my eyes and heart so that things I see don't affect me or hurt me quite as much, where these folks are concerned.

Self-protection, I guess. Self-preservation.

Life can definetely be edgy. Especially when human beings are involved!

Today is Thursday

Why do we go to work, day after day, asking ourselves and the person next to us, "Is it Friday yet?"

Are we that unhappy in our job/career?

I suppose some of us are, yes. But I know we don't all feel that way.

So why do we fall into that saying so easily?

Here's a thought to ponder: when we make that comment, is it said in a negative manner?

Usually it is.

However, as Christians, should be be caught up in that statement?

We're instructed, "Do all things as if doing them unto the Lord!"

If we've been lead to do what we're doing, then there's a definite reason we're there. If the Lord has opened a door for you and you've chosen to walk through it, then that's where He wants you. How can He use you if all you do is complain about where you're at and what you're doing?

Yes. Life gets tedious. Jobs, careers get tedious.

We all need time away for refreshment.

Make sure you take that time do become refreshed. In your heart, soul and body, get refreshed.

And be aware of your words, your statements.

We, after all, are carrying the Torch of the Lord! We are being watched closely.

Be a good example of what Jesus is.

Have a blessed day at YOUR job/career today my friend!

The next day

So 5 months ago, I started a new career. Not by MY choice, but by God's. For the past 5 months, I've been working inside a prison! Yes. A prison.

Before that, I worked at our local technical college for 3 1/2 years. Absolutely LOVED it. But that door shut very quickly on March 26th. I was out the door with a broken heart and many questions to ponder.

Before the college, I worked at the local mental health center for 10 1/2 years. Absolutely LOVED it as well! But after 10 1/2 years, God moved me into a new realm of society: he took me from working with the mentally ill and distressed, to working with young adults! Not a big leap, right? LOL. Never thought I'd enjoy working with that age group, but when one follows where God leads you, He also equips you to complete the Mission He sets forth. Loved that job.

Funny though, how quickly 5 months has passed. It was definitely a different atmosphere and schedule to get accustomed to! This prison is 30 miles from where I live. I've never worked outside of where I live before! Getting myself ready on a different schedule was quite a challenge for me and took several weeks to find my routine again.

But what about that time BETWEEN these 2 jobs?

Well.

Even though it was only 7 weeks from one job to the next, at the time, it felt like MONTHS.

It was the 2nd time in my adult life where I'd been terminated from a job. I truly never thought it would happen to me again.

I was wrong.

God ALLOWS things to take place in our lives in order to make us who we are in Him. God ALLOWS NOTHING to happen to us that He doesn't know about. And through it all, He is as close as a whisper.

Did I question Him during those 7 weeks?

Absolutely!

Did I trust Him?

Of course!

Did I find my answers?

Yes I did.

And in the midst of it all, He was moving the puzzle pieces of my life around so that I'd be ready to walk through the door He was holding open for me once again: this time however, the doors weren't doors. They were PRISON GATES.

I was and am, reminded of Paul who spent the majority of his life inside prison walls, in chains, rat-infested conditions, and never lost the faith He had in Christ Jesus. Let me tell you: the prison(s) he spent time in were very much prison compared to the prison current-day inmates live in!

So one thing I always tell God is this: Show me where You want me. Show me where I am to spread the Gospel in this job.

And He does.

First week of Academy. A young man not so different than the young men at the college, was in our class. Got to know him and his cute wife a little bit. They were in dire straights at that time. So I rallied my Troops together to lend a helping hand.

My Troops mowed their lawn, filled their refrigerator, helped them in many ways.

Then, just as fast as we got to know them, they were gone from our lives. Up and moved back to Colorado.

I know in my heart that we were entertaining Jesus during that time and He will say to us, "Well done, my good and faithful Servants."

They were in our lives for a very short season. I pray that they never forget us and one day, will touch base with us again!

Even though I've been at this new job for only 5 months, I've seen, heard and experienced TONS of testimonies to honor my Lord and Savior! I work with some amazing and powerful Christians who's lights shine in the darkness of the evil that comes along with prison life. We truly are the lights that shine there!

Of course, the shining lights are not only from staff who are strong in their faith. There are TONS of born-again Christian inmates as well. And that's where the POWER really lies! For they are the ones who live in the GUTS of the prison. They are truly the ones who rub elbows each and every day with those in total darkness. THEY are the ones who carry the Light of the World into their darkness!

As time goes on, I will share some powerful and awesome testimonies on this blog, of the Power of my Lord Jesus! He has given me the gift of words and I feel lost when I don't use that gift. Hence: the new blog.

Even if you never make a comment on here, I pray the words you read will touch your heart and encourage you in whatever you're going through! The testimonies I will share with you have brought me much encouragement and I wanna spread that along!

So for now, until we meet again on this, the written page, have a God-awed day my friend!

Just thoughts.....

October 12, 2010
So. My first attempt at a blog. Always wanted to do one and now think it's time.

Not here to make money or win a popularity contest. Nope. Just here to share thoughts on life, relationships, trials, struggles, ups and downs, and how my life being a Christian plays into all of it!

It seems to me that by now, at 52 years of age, I should KNOW this stuff! Why is it that the older I get, the MORE I have to learn?

I'm learning more and more about God, me, my family, my dog, and all the other things in life!!!!

Feel free to join me and add to my craziness!